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The Date Sensei

How to get over a Heart Break

Heartbreak is a complex emotional experience that is closely connected to the process of grief and sorrow. A romantic break-up can trigger a grieving process like losing a loved one.

Table of Contents

Here's how heartbreak is connected to the sorrow process:
1. Allow yourself to grieve

2. Be social

3. Limit contact with your ex

4. Practice Self-Care

5. Excercise boosts your happy hormones

6. Engage in new hobbies

7. Self-Compassion reduces stress, anxiety, and depression

8. Goal Setting

9. Focus on the growth process

10. Seek Professional Help

Here's how heartbreak is connected to the sorrow process:


When a relationship ends, it can be challenging to accept the reality of the situation. Denial is a natural defense mechanism that helps you cope with the initial shock and pain of the breakup. You might find yourself in disbelief or struggling to comprehend that the relationship is truly over.


As reality sets in, you may begin to feel anger and resentment. You might direct this anger towards your ex-partner, yourself, or the circumstances that led to the break-up. It's a way of expressing the intensity of your emotions and asserting a sense of control.


This stage involves trying to negotiate or make deals, often with a higher power, in an attempt to reverse the breakup. You might find yourself replaying scenarios in your mind, thinking about what you could have done differently to save the relationship.


As you come to terms with the permanence of the break-up, feelings of sadness and emptiness can become more pronounced. You might experience a deep sense of loss, struggle with sleep and appetite, and withdraw from social activities.

Getting over a heartbreak can be an emotionally challenging process. When a meaningful romantic relationship ends, it can feel like a part of you is missing, leading to a range of intense emotions including sadness, anger, confusion, and even physical pain. Coping with these emotions requires time, patience, and self-compassion. Here are 10 tips to help you navigate the difficult journey of getting over a heartbreak.

1) Allow yourself to grieve

Grieving during a breakup is a crucial step in the healing process. Grieving is a natural and necessary response to loss, and a romantic relationship ending can evoke a range of emotions that require acknowledgment and processing. Trying to keep the emotions in will only prolong the process.

When you try to hold your emotions in and avoid expressing them, it can have several negative effects on your mental, emotional, and even physical well-being.

Bottling up your emotions can lead to increased stress levels.

Furthermore, can chronic emotional suppression has been linked to various physical health problems, including headaches, gastrointestinal issues, high blood pressure, weakened immune system, and even potential long-term health risks.

Unexpressed emotions don't just disappear; they accumulate over time. This emotional build-up can lead to sudden outbursts of anger or sadness that seem disproportionate to the situation, as well as emotional numbness.

2) Be social

The social aspect can play a significant role in helping you get over a heartbreak. Interacting with friends, family, and other supportive individuals can provide emotional comfort, distraction, and a sense of connection. Social interactions trigger the release of various hormones and neurotransmitters that contribute to your well-being and emotional recovery. Here's how the social aspect can help.

Emotional Support:

Being around friends and family who care about you can provide a safe space to express your feelings and talk about your experience. Sharing your emotions with others can alleviate the burden of carrying your pain alone.


Engaging in social activities can divert your attention from the pain of heartbreak. Participating in hobbies, outings, or events with friends can help break the cycle of rumination and sadness. Many of my clients have asked me if if you are distracting yourself, are you then working through your feelings?

Yes, if you are allowing yourself to grieve when you feel the need to and thereby deal with your emotions.

Release of hormones that enhance your well-being:

Oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone" or "love hormone," is released during social interactions, especially positive ones. It promotes feelings of trust, bonding, and emotional closeness, which can be comforting during times of distress.

Endorphin Release: Socializing and engaging in enjoyable activities with others can trigger the release of endorphins, which are natural pain relievers. Endorphins create feelings of pleasure and can help alleviate emotional and physical discomfort.

Serotonin Boost: Social interactions can lead to an increase in serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with mood stabilization and feelings of well-being. This can counteract the low mood and depression often experienced during a heartbreak.

3) Limit contact with your ex

Most of my clients struggle with the challenge of letting go. I often pose the question: Does regularly checking your ex's Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, or any other social media platform have a positive impact on your mental well-being?

The answer is always no. When you are checking your ex's social media you are maintaining that sadness and reinforcing the difficult emotions.

Limiting contact can be a crucial step in the process of getting over your ex and moving on. Here's how it can help:

Emotional Distance:

Staying in contact with your ex can make it harder to create emotional distance and detach from the relationship. Limiting contact allows you to gradually disentangle your emotions and thoughts from the past relationship.

Reduced Triggers:

Seeing or interacting with your ex can trigger a flood of memories and emotions. Limiting contact minimizes these triggers, giving you space to heal without constantly being reminded of the past.

Prevent False Hope:

Continued contact might create false hope of a reconciliation, which can prolong the healing process. Setting boundaries helps both parties understand that the relationship is truly over, allowing you to focus on moving forward.

Break the Cycle:

Post-breakup interactions can sometimes turn into a cycle of emotional highs and lows. This can make it difficult to heal and move forward. Limiting contact helps break this cycle, giving you more stability in your emotional state.


Cutting contact encourages you to rely more on your own emotional resources and coping mechanisms. It's a chance to rebuild your sense of self and find happiness independently.

Avoid Drama:

Break-ups can be emotionally charged, and ongoing contact can sometimes lead to arguments, misunderstandings, or unnecessary drama. Setting boundaries reduces the likelihood of these negative interactions.

Creating New Memories:

If you continue interacting with your ex, it's challenging to create new memories and experiences that don't involve them. Limiting contact allows you to create a new chapter in your life.

4) Practice Self-Care:

Self-care plays a crucial role in helping you get over a heartbreak. It involves intentionally taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being during a challenging time.

I would personally try to limit anything that can prolong the process like substance abuse for example.

Substance abuse:

Alcohol and drugs to cope with heartbreak can actually prolong the healing process and exacerbate emotional distress. While they might provide temporary relief or numbness, they come with several negative consequences that hinder your ability to heal effectively.

Alcohol and drugs can numb your emotions temporarily, but they don't address the underlying pain. By suppressing your feelings, you're delaying the necessary process of working through your emotions and healing.

Escalating Emotions: 

Substances can amplify your emotions, making you feel more intensely in the moment. This can lead to impulsive behaviors, heightened anger, and even more despair.

Self-care activities:

Meditation, deep breathing, and journaling can help regulate your emotions. They provide an outlet for processing your feelings, reducing anxiety, and promoting a sense of calm.

Enhancing Self-Esteem:

Taking care of yourself sends a message that you value and respect your own well-being. This positive reinforcement can enhance your self-esteem and self-worth during a time when your confidence might be shaken.

Stress Reduction:

Heartbreak can be incredibly stressful. Engaging in self-care activities like taking a relaxing bath, practicing yoga, or spending time in nature can lower cortisol levels and alleviate stress.

It's important to tailor your self-care practices to what resonates with you personally. Remember that self-care isn't about avoiding your emotions but about providing yourself with the necessary support and care to heal and move forward. Experiment with different activities, be patient with yourself and be kind in the way you treat yourself during this healing process.

5) Excercise boosts your happy hormones

Exercise can be a powerful tool to help you get over a breakup. It offers both physical and mental benefits that contribute to your overall well-being and emotional recovery. Here's how exercise can aid in getting through a breakup

Release of Endorphins:

Exercise triggers the release of endorphins, often referred to as "feel-good" hormones. These natural chemicals in the brain can elevate your mood, reduce feelings of sadness, and create a sense of euphoria.

Stress Reduction:

Physical activity helps reduce stress by promoting the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, which are associated with relaxation and a positive outlook. This can help alleviate the stress often accompanying a break-up.

Improved Sleep:

Regular exercise can lead to improved sleep quality. Quality sleep is crucial for emotional well-being and overall health, especially during a period of emotional recovery.

Increased Self-Esteem:

Engaging in exercise and physical activity can lead to improvements in your physical appearance and fitness levels. These positive changes can boost your self-esteem and body image during a time when your self-confidence might be affected.

Release of Tension:

Emotional distress can manifest as physical tension in the body. Exercise helps release this tension through movement, leaving you feeling more relaxed and less weighed down by stress.

Social Interaction:

Engaging in group activities or team sports provides opportunities for social interaction and connection. Building new connections or nurturing existing friendships can help counteract feelings of isolation.

Brain Health:

Physical activity supports brain health by increasing blood flow and promoting the growth of new neurons. This can contribute to improved cognitive function and emotional resilience during challenging times.


Taking charge of your physical health through exercise can foster a sense of empowerment. It shows that you have control over aspects of your life, which can be especially important during a breakup.

Remember that the key is to find an exercise routine that you enjoy and that aligns with your preferences and fitness level. It's not about pushing yourself to the limit but rather engaging in activities that make you feel good and contribute positively to your healing process.

Furthermore, start slow because if you are under a lot of strain the body can release more stress hormones if you start with full force.

Remember, overcoming sexual performance anxiety is a journey that takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, celebrate progress, and focus on embracing intimacy with confidence and joy.

6) Engage in new hobbies

Engaging in new hobbies can be incredibly beneficial for helping you get over a heartbreak. Pursuing activities that genuinely interest you can provide a positive outlet for your emotions and contribute to your overall healing process.

Positive Engagement:

Hobbies provide a source of joy and satisfaction. Engaging in activities that you're passionate about can naturally elevate your mood and create positive experiences.

Sense of Accomplishment:

Learning a new skill or achieving a goal within your hobby can boost your self-esteem. Accomplishments within your hobby remind you of your capabilities and strengths.

Time Well-Spent:

Instead of spending time dwelling on the past or overthinking the break-up, hobbies allow you to use your time constructively and productively.

Building Identity:

During a relationship, some of your interests may have taken a backseat. Exploring new hobbies helps you rediscover parts of yourself that might have been neglected.

Creating New Memories:

Engaging in new activities helps you create fresh memories that are unrelated to the past relationship. These new experiences contribute to your personal growth and well-being.

Expanding Social Circles:

Participating in group-based hobbies or classes can introduce you to new people who share your interests. This expands your social network and reduces feelings of isolation.

Enhanced Mental Health:

Engaging in hobbies you love releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure. This can contribute to improved mental well-being and a positive outlook.

Rebuilding Confidence:

Trying something new and succeeding at it can boost your confidence. This confidence extends beyond your hobby and influences your overall self-assurance.

7) Self-Compassion reduces stress, anxiety, and depression

Self-compassion plays a vital role in helping you get over a heartbreak. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience that you would offer to a friend who is going through a difficult time. Here's how self-compassion can aid in your healing process:

Reduced Self-Criticism:

Self-compassion counteracts the tendency to blame yourself for the break-up or to dwell on perceived shortcomings. It replaces self-criticism with self-kindness and understanding.

Validation of Emotions:

Instead of suppressing your feelings or labeling them as "wrong," self-compassion validates your emotions. It acknowledges that your pain is real and allows you to process those feelings without judgment.

Lessens Isolation:

Self-compassion helps you realize that you're not alone in your suffering. It's a reminder that heartbreak is a universal human experience, fostering a sense of common humanity.

Mindful Awareness:

Self-compassion encourages you to be present with your emotions without getting lost in them. It promotes mindful awareness of your feelings, allowing you to process them more effectively.


Engaging in self-care becomes a natural extension of self-compassion. You prioritize your well-being by taking actions that promote healing and emotional recovery.

Balanced Perspective:

Self-compassion helps you maintain a balanced perspective on the break-up. Instead of viewing yourself as a failure, you recognize that relationships are complex and multiple factors contribute to their outcomes.

Acceptance of Imperfection:

Heartbreak can magnify feelings of inadequacy. Self-compassion encourages acceptance of your imperfections and the recognition that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes.

Managing Negative Self-Talk:

Negative self-talk can be particularly intense after a breakup. Self-compassion allows you to counteract this negativity with self-encouragement and self-soothing.

8) Goal Setting

Goal setting can be a valuable tool for navigating the challenges of a break-up and facilitating your emotional healing and personal growth. Here's how goal setting can help.

Sense of Direction

Setting goals gives you a sense of purpose during a time when you might be feeling lost or adrift. Having something to work towards can provide structure and motivation.

Positive Distraction

Focusing on your goals can act as a positive distraction from the pain of the breakup. Engaging in activities related to your goals keeps your mind occupied and prevents rumination.

Progress Tracking

Working towards your goals allows you to track your progress and see your achievements. Celebrating even small milestones can boost your self-esteem and overall mood.


Achieving your goals, no matter how small can give you a sense of accomplishment and empowerment. This feeling can counteract any feelings of helplessness or low self-worth stemming from the breakup.

New Focus

Setting goals redirects your focus away from the past relationship and towards your own personal growth and development.

Boosted Confidence

As you work towards your goals, you'll likely face challenges and overcome obstacles. Successfully handling these challenges can boost your self-confidence and resilience.

Building New Routines

After a breakup, your routines might be disrupted. Setting goals helps you establish new routines, providing a sense of stability and normalcy.

Future-Oriented Mindset

Setting goals encourages you to look toward the future instead of dwelling on the past. It helps shift your perspective from what was lost to what can be gained.

Personal Growth

Goals often require learning, growth, and personal development. Engaging in these processes can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your potential.

Building Resilience

Working towards your goals requires commitment and perseverance.

This builds emotional resilience, which is essential for overcoming the challenges of a break-up.When setting goals after a breakup, make sure they are realistic, achievable, and aligned with your values and interests.

They can be related to various aspects of your life, such as personal development, career, health, or relationships with friends and family.

By investing your energy in pursuing meaningful goals, you're taking proactive steps toward healing and creating a positive path forward.

9) Focus on the growth process

Experiencing a break-up and going through the grieving process can be incredibly challenging, but it also presents opportunities for growth and personal development. Here's how you can grow from learning something from a break-up and going through the grief of it:


Break-ups force you to reflect on your wants, needs, and values in a relationship. This self-discovery helps you understand yourself better, which is essential for forming healthier relationships in the future.

Improved Self-Awareness 

Grieving a break-up involves understanding your emotional responses and coping mechanisms. This heightened self-awareness empowers you to manage your emotions more effectively in various situations.


Navigating through the grief of a break-up builds emotional resilience. You learn to adapt to adversity, face challenges, and emerge stronger on the other side.

Coping Skills

Going through the grief process teaches you valuable coping skills. These skills extend beyond break-ups and can help you manage stress, loss, and difficulties in other areas of life.

Communication Skills

Reflecting on the dynamics of your past relationship can improve your communication skills. You'll become more aware of the importance of expressing needs, feelings, and concerns openly in future relationships.

Setting Boundaries

A break-up often highlights the need for healthy boundaries. This understanding helps you establish clear boundaries in future relationships, ensuring your emotional well-being.


Grief can make you more empathetic towards others who are struggling. Having experienced pain, you can offer genuine understanding and support to friends or family going through similar situations.

Appreciation for Independence

Going through a breakup can lead to a renewed appreciation for your independence and the importance of being self-sufficient in emotional well-being.

Redefined Goals

Break-ups often cause a shift in your life's trajectory. You may reconsider your goals, aspirations, and priorities, leading to a more intentional and purpose-driven life.

Deeper Emotional Connection

Overcoming the challenges of a break-up deepens your emotional connection with yourself. This self-compassion fosters a healthier relationship with your own emotions.

Gratitude for Lessons

While painful, break-ups teach valuable life lessons. Instead of dwelling on the loss, focusing on the lessons learned can foster gratitude for the growth that comes from them.

Renewed Confidence

Successfully navigating through the grieving process can boost your confidence. You'll recognize your capacity to overcome difficulties and emerge from them even stronger.

Remember that growth doesn't always happen immediately. It's a gradual process that requires self-reflection, patience, and a willingness to learn from your experiences. By allowing yourself to learn and grow from the lessons a break-up teaches you, you pave the way for a more fulfilling and resilient future.

Time for Self-Reflection: Having space from your ex allows you to reflect on the relationship, its dynamics, and what you've learned from it. This introspection is essential for personal growth and for avoiding similar patterns in future relationships.

10) Seek Professional Help

Seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, can be immensely beneficial in helping you get over a breakup. I have seen great success among my clients that have been dealing with heartbreak.

A trained mental health professional can provide guidance, support, and tools to navigate the complex emotions and challenges that come with heartbreak. Here's how professional help can aid your healing process:

Expert Guidance:

Therapists have expertise in helping individuals cope with emotional challenges. They can offer insights, strategies, and coping techniques that are tailored to your unique situation.

Safe Space to Express:

Therapy provides a confidential and non-judgmental space where you can freely express your feelings, thoughts, and concerns related to the break-up without fear of being criticized or misunderstood.

Emotional Processing:

A therapist can guide you through the process of acknowledging and processing your emotions. They can help you explore the underlying causes of your feelings and work through them in a healthy way.

Objective Perspective:

Therapists offer an objective viewpoint that's outside of your personal situation. This perspective can help you see the break-up from different angles and gain new insights.

Coping Strategies:

A psychologist can teach you effective coping strategies to manage the pain, sadness, and stress associated with the breakup. These strategies can help you navigate your emotions in a constructive manner.

Goal Setting:

Setting goals for your healing process can provide a sense of purpose and direction. A therapist can help you define realistic goals and track your progress as you work through the breakup.

Cognitive Restructuring:

Negative thought patterns and self-limiting beliefs are common after a breakup. Therapists can help you identify and reframe these thoughts, promoting a more positive mindset.

If you're struggling to cope with the aftermath of a breakup and find that your emotions are significantly impacting your daily life, seeking professional help can be a proactive step toward your emotional recovery. A therapist can provide the support and tools you need to heal, grow, and eventually move forward with a renewed sense of well-being.

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