How not to lose yourself in a relationship?

I love working with young people, they inspire me with their maturity & eagerness to work on themselves. Young people today are overall more physically healthy than before but with more mental challenges than before.

Relationship problems is a current theme that I experience in therapy with young people. What has been a common theme in therapy among young people is that they often lose themselves in a relationship. Meaning that they start to behave in another manner that benefits the other person but not necessarily themselves. Of course, when you are in a relationship you do compromise, maybe you don’t really want to see the Fifty Shades of Grey in the cinema, but you go because your girlfriend really wants to see that movie with you. Then next time you see a movie that you really want to see. I mean, compromising, it is okay, it is normal and part of being in a relationship or even in a friendship.

However, when you start to do things that only benefit the other person it is not healthy. Then you end up compromising your personality, your identity, and your own values along with it. We all have some values that are important to us, some more than others. When you stop living your life according to your values you can lose yourself and depression can start creeping in. You shouldn’t have to change yourself for another person, because if you are changing yourself for another person then you lose track of who you really are.

Ok, but how can I work on that? That is a very common question that I get. When you are willing to change, or sacrifice yourself for another person maybe the first question you should ask yourself is why? Why should you change? Don’t you think that you are good enough for just being you?

Being afraid of rejection is another very common problem. Will the other person reject you if you don’t change for them? Does that scare you?

Whatever the root is to your problem you have to be open to looking for your answer. If you are struggling with self-worth, then it is something that you need to work on and you can work on that. You are good enough as you are. If the other person does not appreciate you for you then maybe you are not in the right relationship. It doesn’t mean that you personally are being rejected, it just means that someone else is a better fit for you. Believe me there is a person out there looking for exactly what you have to offer and will love every bit of you. All your strength and weaknesses. Change is good, like personal growth change, but don’t change for someone else. When you start changing yourself for someone else it’s not real anyway. We all have a longing to be loved and appreciated but for the right reasons. You don’t want to be loved for something you are not, it is not worth it in the long run.

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