Love

Different love languages ​​can cause conflicts, what is yours?

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You may have heard about the five love languages, or you may not have? It’s been years since I heard about this, but I thought it was some pseudoscience. However, my friend started to talk about these love languages and how it had helped him with his communication skills. Then I had to look it up, and this theory by Gary Chapman has been supported through some empirical research.

The theory is that everyone has their own language about love, that is, how we feel and experience that we are being loved and valued.

The love languages ​​are divided into five parts (you can see the questionnaire at the bottom of the article).

  1. A) Word of affirmation
  2. B) Quality time
  3. C) Receive gifts
  4. D) Acts of service
  5. E) Physical touch

These are the main languages ​​and either you are the type who feels you are loved through words, service/actions, gifts, quality time or through physical touch. In a relationship where couples have very different love languages, ​​it can cause a lot of conflicts & disagreements.

An example is from a marriage where the woman put a lot of time and thought into gifts for her husband. He had told her many times that he only wanted her and preferably naked with a red ribbon. She always took those comments as a joke and continued with the stream of gifts, sorry avalanche of gifts! After they had taken the test, she saw that her husband had scored highest in quality time and physical touch and the gift part was at the bottom, with only 1 point.

After that, they began to put more emphasis on being together, and the gift part also became more focused on that, gift that includes some quality time together.

Knowing your love language is really important, for everyone even though you are not in a relationship. You can also apply it to your kids or your parents (there are different tests for kids). How does your child feel that he/she is loved? Does the child always hug you, ask you to play, or gets a positive reinforcement in words or through gifts? The last time I witnessed an argument between siblings was because the brother wanted to be hugging (physical touch) his sister daily. Who nota bene did not share his interest in this daily hugging. These were real disputes that created a lot of conflicts between those siblings. The sister, on the other hand, was always asking the brother to spend more time with her (quality time).

What about your parents? Is your father/mother the type of person who always hugs you, does something for you as an act of service, or does he/she express himself/herself through words or gifts? Whatever it is, it is interesting to see how others express their love to us and vice versa.  

When the love languages are very different in relationships it can hurt our feelings & create uncertainty within relationships. Take the test and ask your family members to take it as well. It might lead to less conflict and strengthen our relationships as we better understand how our spouse, mother, or siblings feel loved and valued.

Needless to say, I am a woman and need all of those love languages in my life but my score is highest in acts of service. I just love it when people do something for me! Probably that’s why I love my workawayers so deeply!:)  

Help me spread the love by sharing this article:) 

The five love languages Questionnaire 

Check which phrase applies better to you.

Place points each time you know which sentence applies to you. When you finish the test, count the points. The letter that has the highest number of points, is your primary love language.

At the end of the test, see which letter stands for what.

A

B

C

D

E

It is more meaningful to me when…

1 (A) I receive a loving note/text/email for no special reason from my loved one

   (E) My partner and I hug

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

2) (B) I can spend alone time with my partner – just the two of us

    (D) My partner does something practical to help me out

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

3) (C) My partner gives me a little gift as a token of our love for each other

     (B) I get to spend uninterrupted leisure time with my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

4) (D) My partner unexpectedly does something for me like filling my car or doing the laundry

     (E) My partner and I touch

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

5) (E) My partner puts his/her arms around me when we are in the public

     (C) My partner surprises me with a gift

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

6) (B) I am around my partner even if we are not really doing anything

     (E) I hold hands with my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

7) (C) My partner gives me a gift

     (A) I hear “I love you” from my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

8) (E) I sit close to my partner

     (A) I am complimented by my partner for no apparent reason

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

9) (B) I get the chance to just “hang out” with my partner

     (C) I unexpectedly get small gifts from my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

10) (A) I hear my partner tell me “I am proud of you”

       (D) My partner helps me out with a task

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

11) (B) I get to do things with my partner

      (A) I hear supportive words from my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

12) (D) My partner does things for me instead of just talking about doing nice things

       (E) I feel connected to my partner through a hug

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

13) (A) I hear praise from my partner

       (C) My partner gives me something that shows he or she was really thinking about me

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

14) (B) I´m able to just be around my partner

       (E) I get a back rub or massage from my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

15) (A) My partner reacts positively to something I have accomplished

       (D) My partner does something for me that I know that they don’t particularly enjoy

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

16) (E) My partner and I kiss frequently

       (B) I sense my partner is showing interest in the things I care about

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

17) (D) My partner works on special projects with me that I have to complete

       (C) My partner gives me an exciting gift

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

18) (A) I´m complimented by my partner on my appearance

       (B) My partner takes the time to listen to me and really understand my feelings

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

19) (E) My partner and I share non-sexual touch in public

       (D) My partner offers to run errands for me

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

20) (D) My partner does a bit more than his/her normal share of the responsibilities we share (around the house,                   work-related and etc).

       (C) I get a gift that I know my partner put thought into choosing

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

21) (B) My partner doesn’t check his/her phone while we are talking

       (D) My partner goes out of their way to do something that relieves pressure on me

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

22) (C) I can look forward to a holiday because of a gift I anticipate receiving

       (A) I hear the words “I appreciate you” from my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

23) (C) My partner brings me a little gift after he/she has been traveling without me

       (D) My partner takes care of something I´m responsible to do but I feel too stressed to do at the time

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

24) (B) My partner doesn’t interrupt me while I am talking

       (C) Gift-giving is an important part of our relationship

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

25) (D) My partner helps me out when he/she knows I´m already tired

       (B) I get to go somewhere while spending time with my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

26) (E) My partner and I are physically intimate

       (C) My partner gives me a little gift that he/she picked up in the course of their normal day

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

27) (A) My partner says something encouraging to me

       (B) I get to spend time in a shared activity or hobby with my partner

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

28) (C) My partner surprises me with a small token of their appreciation

       (E) My partner and I touch a lot during the normal course of the day

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

29) (D) My partner helps me out- especially if I know they´re already busy

       (A) I hear my partner specifically tell me “I appreciate you”

 

It is more meaningful to me when…

30) (E) My partner and I embrace after we have been apart for a while

       (A) I hear my partner say how much I mean to him/her

 

A: Words of affirmations

B: Quality time

C: Gifts

D: Acts of service

E: Physical touch

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